Note about the audio files: These are absolutely not polished. It's just me - an untrained amateur - with a microphone by my computer. These songs are made to be performed with a full orchestral accompaniment, and some of them sound rather odd all the characters apparently have the singing voice of a British female. I've put them up purely to give people an idea of what tunes these words are put to. If you know the original, I'd advise you to avoid the audio files and enjoy the full glory of the songs in your head. If you don't know the original, I do very much recommend it.

Also, the files are currently housed on an advert-filled file-sharing site, since I don't have the bandwidth here for multiple downloads. I'll shift them over here in a few months, once the initial rush is over.

Oh, and there is also a cameo appearance by a couple of jokes from See John Run, my illustrated SGA h/c story for 4 year olds. I couldn't resist.


1. We Wraith

(Tune: Going Through The Motions - Buffy's opening song) Audio file is here


The scene is some deserted landscape on a strange planet in a galaxy far, far away, that the Ancients, in their ineffable wisdom, have made to look strangely like Canada. Wraith darts weave around in a fairy-like ballet. One dart flies directly towards us, and deposits four Wraith in a beam of white light. They are WRAITH LEAD SINGER and his small phalanx of BACKING WRAITH, who dance towards us in stylishly-choreographed patterns.



We have been pre-judged and labelled evil,

Just because our teeth are bad.

And our sense of style is quite primeval,

And we tend to snarl,

When we're feeling mad.

No-one tries to know what lies below,

The facade of their foe,

But we Wraith are really cuddly,

Kind and soft of heart,

Fond of song, philosophy and art.


As he sings, we see a montage of images of the Wraith at home - the sort of images that, according to the caption, the oppressive Atlanteans, and their minions, the makers of the Earth show "Stargate Atlantis", always try to suppress. We see Wraith helping little old ladies across roads, saving small children from runaway horses, cuddling their teddy bears, and performing opera. Are these images fake? Have we been wrong about the Wraith all along? Have we accidentally been shown an episode of "Hive Ship Atlantis", hit TV show on the Wraith world, depicting the heroic battle of the Wraith against their evil nemeses Queen Weir, Butcher Sheppard, and the evil mad scientist, Ruddy McKay?



Sometimes, I admit, we go out killing

Trillions - it's quite a shame.

But our starvy tums require refilling -

Don't apportion blame;

You would do the same;

Humans are fair game.

We're misunderstood, we're really good,

We just eat you for food,

But we Wraith are really cuddly,

Wouldn't hurt a fly,

It's not our fault our breakfast goes and dies.


Do not listen to the others!

We're good sons who love our mothers!

And we make attentive lovers,

But they refuse to see:

Wraith are really cuddly,

Although we look like bugs.

We're pacifists at heart,

But just don't look the part

And we just want to give you hugs.


The song finishes. The various Wraith return to their darts.


Something Mysterious happens.


2 I've got a theory

(Tune: I've Got a Theory ) Audio file is here


We are in the Atlantis briefing room. WEIR is there, along with SHEPPARD, McKAY, TEYLA, RONON, ZELENKA, and BATES, who is Just There, even though this is set in season three, so don't ask or wonder, okay? Weir shows the others a little video of the Something Mysterious, taken by a MALP, which, sadly, doesn't get its own song. Yes, it's time for another deeply professional and serious briefing, in which all the Atlantis personnel demonstrate their maturity and unity.



I've got a theory:

We need explosions!

Let's fly up atom bombs

And have some detonations.


McKay rolls his eyes.



I've got a theory:

It's the Athosians!

We need to lock them up

And start investigations.


Sheppard glares. Teyla glowers.


RONON (spoken, because Ronon Doesn't Sing):

To hell with theories!

Want some Wraith to kill.

I'm getting leery

And quite weary,

Tired of sitting still.



It could be Teyla

I know it's Teyla



Which is ridiculous, because Teyla's on my team, and, yes, I trust her with my life, and, Sergeant, you'll be over there.



I've got a theory,

It could be citrus


ZELENKA (waving his hand hopefully):

I've got a theory...


McKay jumps on the table and proceeds to declaim in a very impressive fashion, accompanied by an atmospheric laser show, which he controls mentally with his Ancient gene. An Ancient mirror ball descends from the ceiling and rotates enigmatically.



Citrus is the worst of threats this universe faces.

If they kill Genius - bye-bye, friendly races!

It infiltrates my pastries,

And leaps out to kill me quite horribly.

Citrus! Citrus! It must be citrus!

Oh, ha-ha, Colonel!


The reason for McKay's final exclamation is revealed: Sheppard has produced a lemon and is waving it rhythmically in McKay's direction. Weir looks stern. Lemon, mirror ball and laser show all disappear sheepishly.



I've got a theory...



Yes, yes, bombs - big boom!



Hey, yours was citrus,

Which is...



Citrus spells out certain doom!


ZELENKA (waving his hand hopefully):

I've got a theory...



That you should listen!

We'll solve this thing a whole lot quicker,

If, gentlemen, you do not bicker.

We must unite,

And stand as one.

If we all fight,

All hope is gone.



We'll solve this thing a whole lot faster,

If we have snark and mocking laughter.



I'll bait McKay



I'll whine and boast


SHEPPARD, McKAY, TEYLA and RONON (who speaks it, because Ronon Doesn't Sing)

We'll save the day

Our foes are toast.


We'll solve this thing, we'll stand together,

We're friends for life, not just fair weather.

There's nothing we can't face...



Except for citrus.


3. Waking the Wraith

(Tune: They Got the Mustard Out!) Audio file is here


SHEPPARD walks through the Stargate. On the other side are ALL THE PEOPLE FROM ALL THE FRIENDLY PLANETS IN THE PEGASUS GALAXY. When they see him, they point accusingly, and close on him threateningly. Quite a lot of them are dead.



He made the Wraith wake up!


SHEPPARD (angstily):

I made the Wraith wake up!


And now Sheppard himself wakes up. It was only a dream. But, oh, the angst, the angst, etc.


4. I am Reborn

(Tune: I'm Under Your Spell - Tara's song) Audio file is here

TEYLA and RONON are sparring. In slow motion. Perhaps even in a Montage. Mid-fight, everything freezes. Teyla turns to face the camera. As she sings, various scenes featuring Sheppard, McKay and Weir appear, using that wibbly flashy-backy visual effect. It is more moving than the stage directions imply.



I lived my life in sorrow,

Always afraid of the Wraith.

My people feared tomorrow,

It was so hard to have faith.

But your people came,

Hope rose like sun after rain.


I have been reborn,

Everything is new,

Living here along with you.

I see a brand new dawn,

The sky above is blue,

Is this hope? Can this be true?


Silence. The orchestra continues on for a few bars, then stops in a confused fashion. Surely this song runs to more than just one verse and a chorus? The orchestra starts up again hopefully. Still nothing. Teyla, we see, is nudging Ronon with increasing urgency. Finally, very grudgingly, Ronon does his bit. It is, however, spoken, because Ronon Doesn't Sing.



Was caught, was tagged, was hunted;

Killed lots of Wraith, now I'm here.


Ronon returns some solo working out. "I've done my duty," his body language says, "and that's all you're getting from me." The orchestra is beginning to sound disconsolate and rejected. Finally Teyla takes pity on them.



He beat them and confronted,

All of his foes without fear.

But he was alone,

Deep down he longed for a home.


Now he is reborn,

It should feel more wrong,

But he feels like he belongs,

He sees a brand new dawn,

His team makes him feel strong,

Which is why he sings this song.


This place feels like home.

I am on your team

Sometimes it feels like a dream.


I have been reborn!

This city by the sea,

Has become a home to me.

I see a brand new dawn,

And the other three,

Have become my family.


This place feels like home,

This place feels like home.

This place feels like home.

You all are my home.


The moving nature of the song is rather undermined by the glares Teyla is shooting Ronon's way. One suspects that there will be Repercussions. Some might also wonder if Ronon does, perhaps, protest too much about this Not Singing business. Perhaps he belts out power ballads in the privacy of his own room.



5. I'll Never Tell

(Tune: I'll Never Tell - Xander and Anya's song) Audio file is here

SHEPPARD arrives at McKAY's room, with an air of studied nonchalance.



Hey now, McKay, wanna come out and play?

Come take up your gun.

I want you again (for your highly trained brain)

Come on - you'll have fun!


(Quietly, to camera:)

I need him by my side,

Without him there I would have died,

But that is something…  No, I'll never tell.



Shoo, Colonel Flyboy, I don't want to die,

Get out of my room!

No, no, no, no! I don't want to go

And face near-certain doom.


(Quietly, to camera:)

I need him by my side,

When I said otherwise, I lied,

But that is something...No, I'll never tell…



No, no, I won't tell.



He flirts like Kirk, he

Interrupts my work, he's

Got a stupid smirk, he's

Kind of brainy... No, wait!



His skin's anaemic,

He eats...


McKAY:             Hypoglycaemic!

His navigation's "scenic"



And he can't fly straight!



In insults we are dealing



Cos I never like revealing,

All the things that I am feeling…


McKay misses his cue. A moment later, he returns to the song, crumbs on his chin, and his mouth full.



Oh, my breakfast was congealing

While you sang your song

And wasting food is so wrong.


His hair's unruly,

He teases me quite cruelly,

He likes to play the fool, he...



Could be Mensa, McKay!


He's always snarky,

He's nervous in the dark, he...



My bite's worse than my bark, be

Careful what you say.


(spoken) Hey, look at me, Colonel, I'm dancing crazy!


McKay, it seems, is quite a stylish dancer, if you have a rather loose definition of "stylish." His dancing involves much waving of hands. Sheppard dances, too, but his dancing is sardonic, stoic and manly. It mostly involves the movement of one eyebrow. The dance could be one of love, or could be one of abiding friendship; the choreography is ambiguous.



You know, you're quite heroic



He's far too stoic



He's really very whiny



And his brain is very tiny,



And I have to guard his... back in fights.


He's often surly,

He runs just like a girlie,

And in private he is really




                        Hey, that doesn't rhyme!



He steals my verses...



He says Satedan curses

And what is even worse is...



Hey! This verse is mine.


SHEPPARD (singing to camera)


We always argue,

You know,

It's just my way to show I care.


McKAY (to camera)

I'm terrified I'll let him down,

And so I tend to play the clown.



Although we always bicker,

Blood is thick, but water's thicker.

And I love him as a brother



Are you sure you don't mean "lover"?



And I really thought I'd hate him,

But I don't, and so I bait him...



And in fact I rather rate him

Kind of highly, but hell!

In public I'll never tell.



Pretend I don't care.



Hide behind smiles.



Don't let them see



Don't let them know



And never... tell.


6. Little notes

(Tune: The Parking Ticket) Audio file is here

In comes KAVANAGH, looking Kavanaghish, clutching many bound notebooks, with beautifully Photoshopped covers. ZELENKA is there, raising his hand hopefully. Kavanagh elbows past him without noticing him.



I have written a sheaf of notes,

On Doctor Weir and all her faults,

And this is volume three,

In which I show the feet of clay,

Of Colonel Sheppard and McKay,

(You know, it's possible they're gay,

Though some say that can't be.)

I'll bring them down, I'll make them pay,

I'll make these people rue the day,



His face impassive, RONON steals Kavanagh's notebooks and eats them.



            No! You can't! I'll sue! No! Hey!


7. Am I Dead?

(Tune: Let Me Rest in Peace - Spike's song) Audio file is here

CARSON is drifting through the hallways of Atlantis, looking ever so slightly transparent. ZELENKA tries to talk to him, but Carson is too busy lamenting the fact that nobody can see him that he doesn't see Zelenka.



I died

But they won't let me go.

I still crop up in fanfic,

Although not in the show.

It's really quite confusing:

Am I dead, or no?

Oh oh!


Och no!

Am I a bloody ghost?

Floating in a nightie

While my body's dead as toast?

Am I playing bagpipes

In the Scottish heavenly host?


You know,

I'd quite like to be real.

An incorporeal doctor

Cannot really heal.

When dead, I can't take temperatures

Ask people how they feel.

Am I dead, or no?


Am I dead or no?

I just don't know.

I'm there in every fanfic,

But never in the show.

I've been replaced by Keller,

They mourned for me, and so...

Am I dead or no?



I often used to moan

Bout going through the Stargate,

Bout firing bloody drones,

Bout being in a Galaxy

Far away from home…

But am I dead or no?


I wish that I knew…

Oh, writers, won't you give a clue,

Cos what's a Scottish lad to do,

When he seems dead, at least for the noo?

It's quite enough to make me blue

I didn't even say adieu

So let me know:


Am I dead or no?

Am I still alive?

I died in season three, but

Am I there in season five?

I have a lot to offer,

I would quite like to survive...

Am I dead or no?

Please tell me:

Am I dead or no?


8. Does Anybody Notice?

(Tune: Dawn's Lament) Audio file is here


ZELENKA raises his hand hopefully in a variety of places. Various people, intent on their own special songs, ignore him or speak through him.



Does anybody even notice?

Does anybody even care?


But the orchestra and the camera are already moving on.


Interlude: The Actual Plot

(Background music: Dawn's Ballet)

At this point, the writer realises that she has reached the halfway point and there hasn't been an actual plot. She orders the orchestra to shut up, shouts at everyone to stop their self-indulgent singing, dancing and angsting, and pushes SHEPPARD and his team through the Stargate. They go to investigate the Something Mysterious. Wraith Replicators Genii jump out at them in an ambush! TEYLA twirls her sticks. RONON kills things. McKAY panics and Does Physics. Sheppard covers their escape and gets captured. Oh noes!


All of that was done to the sound of ballet music. The Genii, however, are not wearing tutus. Neither is Sheppard, McKay, or Teyla. Ronon, on the other hand... No, only joking.


9. I'll Make You Scream

(Tune: What You Feel - sung by Sweet, the dancing demon) Audio file is here

SHEPPARD is tied to a chair, unconscious. KOLYA is standing over him. Kolya has the slightly constipated look of someone who is struggling to come up with a rhyme for "nemesis". Sheppard groggily wakes up.



So, you are awake,

Welcome to my lair.

I mean to make you break;

I'll torture you, or mock your hair.

I have plans, they're dire and infernal

(That's your cue for grovelling, colonel)

I will make you quake,

With fear and with despair.


Hear me sneer and gloat,

Hear my threatening talk!

See my stylish coat,

And tremble at my... evil walk!

Look at me, the recurring villain!

I strut and plot while my minions go killing.


SHEPPARD (defiantly)

You know, it seems to me, that you are quite a dork.



And I'll make you scream, boy.

I'll make you scream, boy.


A look a triumph comes over Kolya's face. We can almost see the light bulb over his head. Has he worked out how to become the secret ruler of the universe? No, he finally has his rhyme!



I'm your nemesis, you will feel great pain!

My supremacy, you'll admit again and again.


Sheppard looks disgusted at the lame rhyme, and remains strong and sure that, although Kolya might beat his body, he will never beat his rhyming



Helpless, broken, battered and crying,

Tortured and hopeless, you'll wish you were dying,

I will torture you until you go insane.


I will tell Weir that I have you here,

And pass on my demands.

Your life depends on all of your friends,

Your safety's in their hands.

And I'll make you scream, boy


Kolya dials Atlantis. Unfortunately, he gets the wrong number. Instead, he has reached the Lair of the Shep Whumpers. "Give me what I want, or I'll hurt the Colonel," he says. He never expected whoops of glee that accompany the refusal. To be honest, it baffles him and makes him ever so slightly insecure.



Yes! Please thump him and whump him!

We like our Shep hurting.


KOLYA (less assured than he was a moment before)

I'll make him scream, girls!



Oh please kick him and whip him!

We like his blood spurting.


KOLYA (desperately trying to keep control of the situation):

I am Kolya, first name Acastus.

I'll send Sheppard back covered in plasters.



Put the boot in, or shoot him:

We aren't really fussy.


Kolya breaks. His title as principal villain is slipping away from him like water in a receding tide. Never in all his life can be match the villainy of these ladies. Perhaps he will give up villainy and go off to become a guide dog for the blind, or something similarly worthwhile.



That sounds cruel and nasty and gory.

Maybe I'll soothe him and read him a story.



We're not thrilled by this villain,

We think he's turned wussy.


The Shep Whumpers descend on Sheppard themselves



Now we're whumping him:

That's what it's all about.



10. Face Another Day

(Tune: Standing - Giles' song) Audio file is here

The news of Sheppard's capture has not yet reached Atlantis. WEIR is in the Gate Room, watching and waiting. As she sings, we see flashbacks of past dangers faced by Sheppard and his team.


Once again, I've sent you through the gate

Once again, I have to stand and wait,

And fret and worry when you check-in very late,

And I…


When you get injured, I cannot be there.

If you get captured, I can't show I care.

If you're in danger now, I'm stuck here unaware,

And I…


I need to play the leader,

I cannot show my fears.

I cannot lay my head down,

And give in to my tears,

And I must stay commanding,

Not Elizabeth, but Weir,

As I face another day.


Your team has bonded, but I stand alone:

The lonely ruler on her lonely throne,

The loving mother in her wild, unruly home,

And I…


I fear the way before us

Is full of grief and pain;

I fear we'll pay in sorrow

For every tiny gain.

But a new day is dawning,

And defiant we remain,

As we face another day:

Together, come what may.



Interlude number two: More actual plot

CHUCK sings a warning of an incoming wormhole. McKAY, TEYLA and RONON come in looking hot come in hot. An urgent briefing happens. New danger threatens. People argue. Mysterious things are found in long-hidden labs. There is angst. Men do things with guns. Etc. etc.



11. I'm Not Sure Why

(Tune: Wish I Could Stay - Tara and Giles' duet, reprising the tunes of both their songs) Audio file is here

The author, RHYMER23, is looking stressed. It is late, and this one song remains unwritten. The cats are going hungry. Work is looming in mere hours. There is much emotional whump here, dear readers.



Oh, what can I do?

Though it isn't long,

This is quite a tricky song,

Because it's sung by two,

With two tunes entwined,

And a lot of awkward rhymes.

Oh what shall I do?


And there's this little thing called "plot."

We're near the end, and we've not got

An awful lot.


The two following parts are sung simultaneously to two different tunes. Don't ask me how I managed it, okay?


I'm not sure why…

I'm not sure why I tried to write this thing

Which is driving me insane

Because the metre's hellish

And last time I said "never again!"



I'm not sure why I started

To write this bloody thing,

It makes me cry in torment,

And sing and sing and sing.


Both parts in unison:

I'm not sure why…

I'm not sure why

I'm not sure why

I'm not sure…




12 Walk Through the Wormhole

(Tune: Walk Through the Fire) Audio file is here

A rescue team is going out to retrieve Sheppard. They are looking very manly, firm and defiant. Leave no man behind, die for your friends, and all that. McKAY, TEYLA and RONON are the main ones, along with a RANDOM SOLDIER WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. These are the RESCUE TEAM.



The colonel's gone and we fear for him:

We need to save him at all costs.

We will not rest,

We're angsty and depressed,

Without him, everything is lost.


Meanwhile, SHEPPARD is alone in prison, slightly battered from the attentions of the Shep Whumpers, but still stoic and defiant.



I know my team will come for me

Risking all to save my life.

I can't allow

My team to suffer…




I wonder where he hid that knife.


The guard dies.


RESCUE TEAM (looking resolved and heroic):

So we will walk through the wormhole

No matter where it ends.

We will walk through the wormhole

For our...


Kolya seems to have recovered from his crisis of confidence.



I know his team will come for him,

And then they'll fall into my trap.

The colonel's bait,

And they will meet their fate.

And I will triumph over… Crap!


(Sheppard has burst into Kolya's control room and has wrestled Kolya to the ground)


RESCUE TEAM (still looking resolved and heroic, and still in the Gate Room):

So we will walk through the wormhole

No matter where it ends.

We will walk through the wormhole

For our...



Sorry, Kolya, I'll be going



We are Genii! See us glowing!



Stop your singing, fools, and bring him back!



Sorry, sir, we're really trying,

But we seem to keep on dying

(It's hard to sing when lying on your back.)


RONON (spoken, because Ronon Doesn't Sing):

I'll kill 'em all

And then the enemy will fall

And I will walk through the wormhole.



So through the Gate we'll search for him,

But I'm afraid I'll end up dead.

I've not been seen,

In any other scene:

My shirt it may as well be red.



Come on… er… let's go ass-kicking,

There's an enemy… needs licking

(Isn't that the sort of thing he'd say?)



I will pace and wait and worry



Wanna shoot things! We must hurry!

I haven't shot a thing today.



And now I'm free,

Although I've suffered injury.



So we will walk through the wormhole

No matter where it ends.

We will walk through the wormhole

For our friends,

For our friends,

For our friends,

For our friends.


The Rescue Team walks through the wormhole to rescue Sheppard. As they arrive, they meet Sheppard coming back. Jokes and mild rebukes happen, but then….



13. Here We Are

(Tune: Life's a Show / Give Me Something To Sing About, as sung by Buffy) Audio file is here

The author suddenly remembers that this is supposed to be a season finale sort of story. Just as we thought the story was over, the Something Mysterious rears its head, revealing fresh dangers of unimaginable power. The WRAITH, REPLICATORS, REMAINING GENII, and EVERY OTHER VILLAIN EVER SEEN IN THE SHOW, as well as some who haven't, like those MARMOTS FROM LUCIUS' PLANET, WHICH ACTUALLY HAVE SABRE-TEETH jump out. These will collectively be known as the BADDIES.



Here we are!

We've come to wipe you out!

We'll make you scream and shout!

The end of season rout!


Everyone else is collectively known as the GOODIES. The Goodies attempt to sing, but the baddies subdue them with glaring, guns and louder singing voices.




We'll claim the second verse,

And you will start to curse,

As everything gets worse.


SKINNER CALDWELL rushes in, hastily buttoning up his shirt:



Look! I've just appeared!

The finale's here!


Assorted GENERALS and some SG-1 cameos wave at the camera.



Look! We're also here!

Though our role's not clear

At least

This year


And with this extra cast,

We are bound to win the war quite fast.

Oh yes, we will!



Oh no you won't!


We are coming to wipe you out!


We are coming to wipe you out!



Here we are!

The battle is engaged,

The team takes centre stage.

Upon the final page.



Hurrah! Hurray!

There's Sheppard and McKay,

And Teyla, Dex and they

Are going to save the day.



"Genius", "Citrus," "Doom"



*stab, stab, stab, twirl, boom*



*flying high - zoom! zoom!*



We shall face the gloom,

And surely


The enemy shall die,

As we four fight it side by side by side.



And yet you'll fail

We'll make you wail


The Baddies do something particularly bad, and gain the upper hand.



We're all going to die,

Unless I do tough

Space sciency stuff,

And save us


He fails, and Doom leaps out at him in a way that looks rather fatal.



Ronon and I,

With my twirly sticks

And his blaster tricks,

Will save us


They fail, and Doom leaps out at them in a way that looks rather fatal.



Oh, nobody can save us!



We won't let you all wipe us out!

No! We won't let you…


It's over to me,

This is my cue

To do something su-icidal.

And heroically

Armed with a bomb,

I'll do something hom-icidal



And he is suicidal,

Heroically he's died… Oh!


Sheppard appears to be dead. It must be Tuesday.


14. The End

(Tune: Sweet's song, the reprise) Audio file is here


Well, the end has come,

We're launching our attack.

We're all having fun,

And our plans are still on track.

All the heroes are hanging from cliffies,

Their survival is looking quite iffy.

Well, we've gotta run…

And the screen goes black.


The baddies return to their lairs to do their nails, read the papers, watch daytime TV etc., and await the new season, when they can resume their villainy.

15. Where do we go from here?

(Tune: Where Do We Go From Here?) Audio file is here



Where do we go from here?

Everyone's doomed! Oh dear!

All is lost

There's a dreadful cost,

To be paid in blood and tears.

Where do we go from here?


Where do we go from here?

That's why the Net is here.

With our shipper wars

And our OT4s

Analysis and squee:

Where do we go from here?


Where do we go from here?

One thing at least is clear:

With our pics and vids

And our post-ep fics

We'll have fun for years and years.

That's where we'll go from here.


16A. The Post-ep fanfic - version A

(Tune: The coda - mostly the same tune as Walk Through The Fire) Audio file is here


Well, that was tough, and replete with whump,

Friendship, danger, angst and fear.

But through it all,

Together we stood tall:

That's where we go from here!



16B. The Post-ep fanfic - version B

Audio file is here


Our brush with death has made me see

That I'm in love with you, my dear.



A brand new morn

Of frolicking and porn:



That's where we go from here!




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