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Stories of Murder and Woe

For stories of murder and woe,

That kill all our friends from the show,

Where death is the norm

In a limerick form,

Just click on the link there below.


But, reader, before you proceed,

Ensure that these warnings you read:

There's Death! but not kissing,

And spoilers are missing*;

It's PG (so, parents, take heed.)


The small print: The rhymes herein work when read aloud in the author's native accent. If they do not work in your own accent, please return them to the author, describing in sonnet form what doesn't work for you, and enclosing a proof of purchase, and your money will be refunded.


* Except for the season four cast.

Now, onto the story at last.

Teyla, who did not dress appropriately

There was a young lady called Teyla.

One day, many foes did assail her,

She tripped on her skirt,

And the foes were alert,

Who leapt at the chance to impale her.


Moral: Battles are as often won by wardrobes as by force of arms


The tale of Ronon, who was far too fond of knives


There once was a fellow called Ronon,

Whose pockets with weapons were groanin'

While sheathing a knife,

He missed, lost his life,

Which caused lots of blood-stained bemoanin'.


Moral: Look before you sheathe

Little Johnny and his hair


Although he professed not to care,

John Sheppard was proud of his hair.

Alone, far from home,

He pulled out a comb,

When there, from its lair, leapt a bear.

Moral: It isn't just fangirls that find Sheppard tasty

In which Radek touches something he shouldn't

A fellow called Radek (he's Czech),

Once handled some strange Ancient tech.

The tech it went "boom!"

And then all the room

With Radek, in bits, was bedecked.

Moral: Secondary characters can be killed by things that main characters shrug off. Be aware of this, and act accordingly.

Chuck, who worked too hard

There was a technician called Chuck,

Who, busy with work, didn't duck,

While out from the Gate

Burst some Genii, irate,

And shot him. His last word was "drat."

Moral: If it took your boss two years to know your name, don't bother working too hard

Keller, who was new

There was a young doctor called Keller,

But people neglected to tell her,

That Wraith liked to munch

On humans for lunch,

So, withered, she died in the cellar.

Moral: Before accepting a new job, make sure that your employer has a good orientation scheme for new employees.

Lorne, who fancied himself a painter

There once was a major called Lorne,

Who got up to paint rosy dawn,

But, stupid with sleep,

He fell into the Deep,

And nobody knew where he'd gorn.

Moral: You can live without art, but can't live without sleep

Carter, who died in a fascinating fashion

There was a smart woman called Carter
Who - "No!" exclaimed Rodney, "I'm smarter
Again and again,

With the power of my brain,

I've saved all your lives like a martyr."

Moral: Do not tangle with hamsters

Moral: When Rodney McKay starts talking, not even death can get a word in edgeways.

The sad story of McKay; or, "We'll see about that," said Death

A very smart man called McKay

Who always had plenty to say,

Once fell off a cliff,

'Tween a "but" and an "if",

And, silent, remains to this day.

Moral: Even people with two PhDs need to watch where they put their feet

Moral: When Death has come for someone else, it is best to keep your mouth shut, or you might be next

Caldwell, who couldn't be rhymed

A colonel was called… well, was Caldwell,

He carried off "manly and bald" well,

But a space kangaroo

Went and slaughtered his crew,

So Caldwell the Bald on his sword fell.

Moral: If you're inconsiderate enough to have a name that's virtually impossible to rhyme, expect a ridiculous death.

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