Stories of Murder and Woe
For stories of murder and woe,
That kill all our friends from the show,
Where death is the norm
In a limerick form,
Just click on the link there below.
But, reader, before you proceed,
Ensure that these warnings you read:
There's Death! but not kissing,
And spoilers are missing*;
It's PG (so, parents, take heed.)
The small print: The rhymes herein work when read aloud in the author's native accent. If they do not work in your own accent, please return them to the author, describing in sonnet form what doesn't work for you, and enclosing a proof of purchase, and your money will be refunded.
* Except for the season four cast.
Now, onto the story at last.
Teyla, who did not dress appropriately
There was a young lady called Teyla.
One day, many foes did assail her,
She tripped on her skirt,
And the foes were alert,
Who leapt at the chance to impale her.
Moral: Battles are as often won by wardrobes as by force of arms
The tale of Ronon, who was far too fond of knives
There once was a fellow called Ronon,
Whose pockets with weapons were groanin'
While sheathing a knife,
He missed, lost his life,
Which caused lots of blood-stained bemoanin'.
Moral: Look before you sheathe
Little Johnny and his hair
Although he professed not to care,
John Sheppard was proud of his hair.
Alone, far from home,
He pulled out a comb,
When there, from its lair, leapt a bear.
Moral: It isn't just fangirls that find Sheppard tasty
In which Radek touches something he shouldn't
A fellow called Radek (he's Czech),
Once handled some strange Ancient tech.
The tech it went "boom!"
And then all the room
With Radek, in bits, was bedecked.
Moral: Secondary characters can be killed by things that main characters shrug off. Be aware of this, and act accordingly.
Chuck, who worked too hard
There was a technician called Chuck,
Who, busy with work, didn't duck,
While out from the Gate
Burst some Genii, irate,
And shot him. His last word was "drat."
Moral: If it took your boss two years to know your name, don't bother working too hard
Keller, who was new
There was a young doctor called Keller,
But people neglected to tell her,
That Wraith liked to munch
On humans for lunch,
So, withered, she died in the cellar.
Moral: Before accepting a new job, make sure that your employer has a good orientation scheme for new employees.
Lorne, who fancied himself a painter
There once was a major called Lorne,
Who got up to paint rosy dawn,
But, stupid with sleep,
He fell into the Deep,
And nobody knew where he'd gorn.
Moral: You can live without art, but can't live without sleep
Carter, who died in a fascinating fashion
There was a smart woman called Carter
Who - "No!" exclaimed Rodney, "I'm smarter
Again and again,
With the power of my brain,
I've saved all your lives like a martyr."
Moral: Do not tangle with hamsters
Moral: When Rodney McKay starts talking, not even death can get a word in edgeways.
The sad story of McKay; or, "We'll see about that," said Death
A very smart man called McKay
Who always had plenty to say,
Once fell off a cliff,
'Tween a "but" and an "if",
And, silent, remains to this day.
Moral: Even people with two PhDs need to watch where they
put their feet
Moral: When Death has come for someone else, it is best to keep your mouth shut, or you might be next
Caldwell, who couldn't be rhymed
A colonel was called… well, was Caldwell,
He carried off "manly and bald" well,
But a space kangaroo
Went and slaughtered his crew,
So Caldwell the Bald on his sword fell.
Moral: If you're inconsiderate enough to have a name that's virtually impossible to rhyme, expect a ridiculous death.