Look! This is Obi-Wan. He is a Jedi. He is not a very big Jedi because he is still learning. When he was not much bigger than you, he packed his bag and his best toy and went to Big Jedi School, just like one day soon you will be going to Big School. He likes Big Jedi School very much.
Here is one of his teachers. Isn't he silly? He's called Yoda. We will not stay and listen to Yoda because he will teach us bad grammar and we will fail at school and everyone will laugh at us and we will end up as drug-addicted social misfits, all because of listening to Yoda talk.
Here is his favourite teacher. He is called Qui-Gon. What a silly name! Qui-Gon used to be mean to Obi-Wan and make him cry. Sometimes he still does. Sometimes he hears voices in his head saying "be really really mean to Obi-Wan" and he listens to them and is very mean. The voices are called "authors." If you see an author whispering in Qui-Gon's ear, do your very best scary face at them and make them run away.
Doesn't Obi-Wan have pretty hair? Look! Here are hair ribbons you can press out of the page to stick on his hair. Isn't it fun?
Now you know Obi-Wan and his friends, do you want to hear a story about him? Good. Let's begin.
One day, Obi-Wan got up, and looked out of the window. It was a beautiful day. There were birds and butterflies and flowers, and none of them even looked poisonous. "Yippee!" sang Obi-Wan, and jumped out of bed. "I want to go out and play!"
In came Qui-Gon. "We have a mission first," he said. Mission is a difficult word. It's a bit like a school trip, but without the sandwiches and the rude songs on the buses. "Get dressed, Obi-Wan," said Qui-Gon.
Look at Obi-Wan! What a silly Obi-Wan! He was going to go out of the house without getting dressed! He hasn't got any clothes on at all. Look at his naughty bits. Aren't they big? Now turn the page before your Mum notices them.
Have you turned the page? Good. "I'm getting dressed," Obi-Wan said. So he pulled in his Jedi underpants - zap! And then he pulled on his socks - zoop, zoop! Then he pulled on his t-shirt - splat! Then he pulled on his lovely leather thigh-hugging boots - drool, drool!
"I'm ready, Master," said Obi-Wan. "Let's go!"
So they went off on their mission. It was great fun. They had to go on a space ship - zoom! - to a planet called Hellishpainforobicomingup. What a long name that is! It sounded like a very pretty place. Obi-Wan was looking forward to skipping through the flowers. He hoped it would be sunny, though. Did you see what he forgot to do when he was getting dressed? That's right! He forgot to put on his trousers. All he was wearing underneath his t-shirt were his red silky Jedi underpants, which were a lot too small for him, and his boots.
The people on the spaceship were very friendly. There were some ladies who were pretending to be cats - silly ladies! - and kept purring and rubbing up to him. Some big men liked Obi-Wan's red underpants so much they kept wanting to touch them to feel how smooth the silk was.
The captain was very silly because he thought Obi-Wan was a little baby, asked Obi-Wan to sit on his knee and jiggle up and down for a bit, just as if they were playing a baby bouncing game. How silly he was! Obi-Wan asked him what nursery rhyme he wanted to sing when he was bouncing. "This is the way the gentleman rides," or "ride a cock horse." Which one is your favourite?
When they got to the planet, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon said goodbye to everyone on the space ship. Suddenly, a big monster jumped out at them. It was red and black and it had horns. It liked to eat Jedi for breakfast, fried, on toast. If you're not very very good, the monster will jump right out of the book and get you too.
What noise do monsters make? Let's all make a monster noise? That's right! It goes "roar!" That's the noise it will make when it comes to eat you.
Roar, said the monster. It had a long pointy thing in its hand, called a lightsabre. Obi-Wan had a pointy thing too, but his wasn't as big. You will never have a lightsabre. Even if you cry and beg your Mum and ask Santa and live to be a hundred, you will never have a real one, never, only a pretend one that breaks. That's what life's like. Get used to it.
"Prepare to suffer excruciating agony," said the monster. These are long words. You will learn them later. What they mean is that the monster was asking Obi-Wan to have a doll's tea party with him. But Obi-Wan doesn't have any dolls, because he's too big. Silly monster!
Obi-Wan ran forward with his pointy thing to hit the monster. Qui-Gon wasn't there. You were too slow and stupid. You didn't see the evil author come up to whisper in Qui-Gon's ears. Qui-Gon has gone away. Qui-Gon has left Obi-Wan all alone. Qui-Gon isn't sure why he went away or what he's doing, but the author told him it would be a good idea to be somewhere else, so Obi-Wan could see the monster all by himself. Perhaps Qui-Gon is sneaking somewhere. I don't know. Perhaps he is thinking mean things about Obi-Wan, and folding his arms, and saying "silly Obi-Wan, off enjoying himself, having fun. Grr grr grr! I don't like Obi-Wan any more." Why would he think that? I don't know, but the author likes telling him to think that. The author is mean and likes things like this very much.
Anyway, Obi-Wan ran forward with his pointy thing to hit the monster. Roar, said the monster, and hit Obi-Wan really hard. Obi-Wan fell over. Silly Obi-Wan! He fell over CRASH and bumped his nose. Poor Obi-Wan!
"Come with me, little Jedi," said the monster, and picked Obi-Wan up and gave him a carry. What a kind monster! Maybe he wasn't nasty at all. Maybe we are falling into the old politically incorrect stereotypes and this is going to be one of those stories when the Big Bad Wolf only wants to invite the three little pigs to tea and has been misunderstood.
Oh. Oh no. It seems not. Look at Obi-Wan! He's all tied up and hanging from a wall. That looks as if it must hurt, doesn't it? The monster is laughing. I like people who laugh a lot, don't you? Clowns laugh a lot. Can you laugh like a clown? Does anyone know any good jokes?
Oh, they were very good jokes. Shall we see what Obi-Wan's doing now? Oh. Obi-Wan's still hanging from the wall. His eyes are closed. Is he awake or asleep? Look at all those pretty colours! What a lovely colour red that is, covering him all over.
Shh! Obi-Wan's asleep. We don't want to wake him up. Has anyone got a baby brother or sister at home? Well, you know what happens when we wake a baby up. That's right, he goes WAAAAH! Obi-Wan's not a baby, but I think he might go WAAAAH when he wakes up. We don't want that to happen, do we? Let's tiptoe out of here, very very very quietly. Quiet as mice. Shhh!
Hehe. Does anyone want to say "Boo!"
What's that? Do you think we woke Obi-Wan up? We did say Boo rather loudly, didn't we? Let's listen. I can't hear him making a noise, but I can't hear him snoring either. Let's peep through the peephole into the next page and see if he's awake.
What? What's that? He's awake? And he's screaming? And the monster… What's the monster doing? Tickling him, did you say? Playing games with him? Making lots of that pretty red stuff - do you think it's strawberry juice or a nice milkshake? - trickle down him? What a friendly monster! And how nice of Obi-Wan to play with him, and scream and roar like that, as if they are playing monsters all together.
Shall we leave them there? I think it's past your bedtime now, and Obi-Wan and the monster look as if they're having such fun, playing together. I think we'll tiptoe away. Do you?
Maybe we'll find Qui-Gon on the way out. Shall we tell him that Obi-Wan's betrayed him, just like Xanatos did. That would be a nice thing to do, wouldn't it? Betray is a grown-up word, but it means "to like someone very very much." I think Qui-Gon would like to hear that from us, wouldn't he?
I wonder where Qui-Gon's going on that spaceship. I wonder what he meant when he said "that's it, I'll never let anyone into my heart ever again. This is it. I'm a cold-hearted alienated hermit now." It sounds fun, though, whatever it means.